doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize