pedialite and red bull = repair kit
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
