we have officially lost it.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
