nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
