I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
