Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
