I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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