My sheets look like a crime scene.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
