no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
we're making bets on your personal life
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Randomize