I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
