dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
