I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
