I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
