Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize