my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
be right there i have to get my cape
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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