If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
