i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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