I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
