I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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