my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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