she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
