I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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