i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
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