I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I feel like abortions should bother me more
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
