last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
