My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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