your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He told me they were just razor bumps!
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
