the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
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