Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
