I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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