I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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