I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
