An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
