uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
