I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
