I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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