Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
