I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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