Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
