No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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