is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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