i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
