Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Randomize
