Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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