I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
