Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize