so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
