I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
