i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
