my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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