God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
